Saturday, April 15, 2006

What's with guys keeping old underwear?

"A fresh change of underwear can be quite refreshing." -- Eugene, on "Happy Days"

In most gyms, guys shower and dress in one big locker room. No privacy.

Whenever I'm in that locker room, I shocked at what I see guys wearing: Formerly white butt-huggers, briefs with holes in all the wrong places, boxer briefs on the wrong body, and yesterday, in addition to all that, I saw a jock strap on an old man who barely shuffled along, much less needing the "active support" that an athletic supporter provides. Come on!

I find it hard to believe that any women wear panties when they're past their prime (the panties, not the ladies (I'm sure women who are past their prime still wear panties (let's hope!))). I digress...

Why do men hang onto old underwear? Not that I've ever had underwear past it's prime, seen better days, etc. But anyway, enough about me...

Where was I? Old underwear.

"Make sure you've got good underwear on. You might get in an accident," Moms will say to their sons. It's got to be a universal thing, or we wouldn't know this phrase, right? But why is it universal? What drives a man to hold on to these ragged things? I honestly don't know. Don't keep reading, hoping for the answer. It's not here. Just more questions...

Many guys have a variety of unmentionables in their dresser. I'm not even talking boxers, briefs, boxer briefs, etc. However, I don't think anything that falls into the "etc." category here should even exist for men; boxers, briefs, and boxer briefs the only rational options.

When I talk variety, I'm talking age and condition. Some are new, some still serviceable, some well worn, and some are the walking dead. That's two categories past what women have! You won't even find women's panties that are past "still serviceable!" Not even in a cross-dressers drawers! I think they have a magical self-destruct mechanism.

Ironically, I think men hang onto them out of laziness. They don't like to shop. Especially for a staple item like underwear. We don't really want them as presents, but if there was a Men's Underwear Day, we'd be relieved to have take them as gifts for the occasion. Now, why is this ironic? Because, just like having too many regular clothes, it makes it so you have to choose underwear based on the occasion. "Shouldn't wear these. Too new. Better save them 'til I need 'em. These are too old, what if I get lucky? Probably won't though. Hmm. These look serviceable. Any girl worth having won't care about underwear anyway. I can always turn out the lights. These are clean, at least."

Women don't have that issue, because they ditch the undies when there's a question. Whole? Ditched. Rip? Ditched. Skid mark? Ditched.

Or do they? Is the big secret that women have old and skanky undies, too? It's not just whether the pair looks demure, sexy, cute, matches your outfit and/or the theme of the evening. Maybe women also have a back part of their drawer, too, filled with old, yellowed, faded, stained, and otherwise gross undergarments. God, I hope not.

Good night.

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