Yesterday, while packing the remains of my belongings in the house that my family and I have lived in for years, I got a rash.
My body is peppered with tiny red dots. These dots itch, especially under my socks. I first pulled off my socks, thinking I might have ants in my shoes. Not so lucky...
This morning, I woke up to find my normally puffy morning face, red and extra puffy. Nice finishing touch to the little rash, eh? Luckily, my face doesn't itch. That's one blessing, at least. The doctor said I'm allergic to something. Maybe. I think it's the stress of moving out of my house.
My blurry, and soon-to-be-ex-home
Granted, it will be a relief not to share space with my someday-to-be-ex-wife anymore. But, it's very hard to look at your surroundings, knowing that you won't be coming back anymore.
There are things in that house that transcend the physical. A growth chart on the back of a door, the built in couch that I built, the wooden "tree house" bed in my son's room, the fireplace that I designed and built on my own, etc. A lot of memories in that house.
It's also strange to go through the stuff and put things into boxes, alone. It's just me, deciding what I want to take. Picking through knick knacks, photos, furnishing, etc. She did the same thing on her own. Neither of us really was too picky about the stuff. There are more things that I DON'T want than I specifically want (our bed, for instance).
It makes it even more confusing to know that I'm not really moving into my own place anytime soon. For the next few months, I'll continue staying with my father. This was my choice. I'm not ready for the stress of a ridiculously tight budget right now. I'd rather have the longer drive and lack of alone time, than add more stress from the money side of things. But, that means storage.
Most of the packed boxes will go into a storage unit, come Tuesday afternoon. So, when looking at furnishings, decorative items, and photos, it's hard to know what I'll want to have.
The strangest part is looking through the boxes of things that Kim packed for me, knowing that they'd be things I wanted. Family "heirlooms," certain pictures, and things that I had purchased because I really liked them. She was pretty accurate. But there were a few things...
The biggest one was finding our wedding albums in my box. This is pretty weird for me. I'm not much of a photo guy. I like to take them. I like photos. But, I like photos of "stuff" not of me, family, and friends. I like photos as decorations and art. I don't look through albums and I don't have pictures of people all over the place. I like to have a current set of family photos and a couple of favorites scattered around. That's about it.
So, I don't know what to do about these. I don't want them. I looked at them a couple of times in the past, but why look again? I don't even really look at my kids' baby books and albums. I think it's a guy thing. So, these are just one more thing to have to worry about keeping safe, right? They're frickin' huge, too. Did she want them but decide to "give in" and let me take them? Who knows? I'm afraid to ask. Once both of us admit to not wanting them, what do I do with them?
Almost as weird was going through the remnants and finding things that I'd given her left behind. Most of these things are just old things now. Nothing really special, other than the fact that I'd given them to her. It still seems weird. I'm not broken up by it, but I am affected by it, you know? These same items, tossed out a year ago, would have been happily dragged to the trash can, without so much as a bit of concern from me. Now, it's different. But, I don't really expect her to take a blue flowered teapot from ten years ago to her new place, when she's got about five nicer white teapots that match the dishes.
Today is Mother's Day, and Kim came home to spend the day with the kids, while I went back to my Dad's house, car loaded up with boxes of some of my most important things. I'm hoping that whatever I'm allergic to didn't come in these boxes, but my fear is that it did. I'm hoping against hope that this rash is NOT stress, but if it is, these boxes and their contents aren't going to help...
Breathe deeply, workout, try to eat well, relax, and look forward to this evening's talk with Jenn. Sounds like a plan.