Doortards

Not politically correct, I know. Making fun of the challenged among us is very bad.

That being said, my kids are doortards. That's what I call them to their slackjawed little faces. It's my challenge to them to get with the program when it comes to doors.

The front door is bad enough. They either don't close it or they slam it. But, if I do either, they look at me like I'm an idiot. Two can play that game...

The real issue is the car door. They stop right in front of the car door every time. Every time. Hello... can't open the door if you're in front of it. It's a car, not a van, so there's no sliding door to allow them some slack, either.

We walk to the car out in a parking lot and they walk to their door first ...and stop. Right there. Now, I can't get to my door. They're mouthbreathing right there in my way.

I say "excuse me" and they walk farther back. Now they're in front of my door. Who's kids are these?

Sunday, my son stops in front of his door. Stands there jawing at me with "Blah blah mrshmena blah Lego Star Wars blah, spickst, Darth something, blah blah, etc." Whatever... "You have to open your door to get in," I said. He opens it, but of course he's on the wrong side. My turn to be slackjawed. OMG.

"How do you keep a doortard in suspense?" Some stinkeye from him. "I'll tell you later," I said, "you get in the car, it's hot."

He seriously looks confused (the door's open and in his way, right?). He turns and takes the long way around the hood end of the car, cuts down the passenger side, swoops around the trunk and into his seat.

I'm in the car by the time he's back and buckled in.

"How?" he asks.

"How what?"

"How do you keep a doortard in suspense?" he answers.

"I'll tell you when we get home..."