Monday, June 18, 2007

The OC You Can't See

OC is one glamorous place! Shiny and clean and filled with the most beautiful people in the State of California. I mean, they didn't make a TV show about Stockton*, did they?

I had a pretty glamorous time Friday night! On Friday, the kids' school had it's annual Beach Blanket Blast. BBB is a carnival, of sorts, with a beach theme and plenty of wet and watery activities. Good thing, too. It was 97 degrees! And, much of the BBB is held on the blacktop playground.

My kids' school, in Rancho Santa Margarita, is deep behind the "Orange Curtain," where its streets, medians, and house colors are safely protected by the strict rules and regulations of numerous Homeowners Associations. It's almost too bad. So little creativity; a blessing and a curse. But, at least it makes sure the houses are so ugly.

I don't really go back there and mingle with people much, anymore. I go to pick up the kids, hang out with a friend or two, then move on. So, it was nice to see all the people that I'd missed over the past year or so.

Lately, we hear so much about the obesity epidemic. Everyone's getting fatter! Well, not in the OC (home of the beautiful people, remember?). In the OC, things are different. In the OC, they pass the obesity plague around like a bacterial infection that's not exactly fatal. You get it, then you get better, infect someone else, then get it again. I saw so many people who'd lost weight since I saw them last. Unfortunately, I saw an equal amount who'd put on plenty of pounds.

As to glamor (again), this event was not glamorous. It was a beach themed carnival. So, I can hardly expect people to be dressed up. Instead, we see the worst of the worst when it comes to fashion. People just don't know how to dress. Board shorts? Fine. Striped Board shorts and a t-shirt? Fine. Hawaiian shirt? Not my choice, but fine enough with board shorts. But, how do you even get out of the house with blue and orange striped shorts and a green and red Hawaiian shirt? Don't you have a wife? No? Well, you're not gettin' one, either!

Okay. Two words. Fanny. Pack. What's even in that thing? Cell phone? Nope. Clipped to the belt of said fanny pack... nice touch. The carabiner is pretty cool, too.

Work and personal cell phones. I'm sorry, too. I'm also saddled with a huge work phone. A primitive, full keyboard Blackberry. But, if I want to be fashionable, I put it in my pocket. That's why God made cargo pants and shorts; for you, Mr. Two Cell phone. Granted, God also made belts. But you really shouldn't wear them for a beach party. And, if you're not wearing the belt, you really can't have two cell phones hanging off of it, either.

Sandals and socks. The socks could have been black. I'll give you that much. Good work, fella.

You know, so far I'm really just talking about one guy, by the way. But, there were plenty of them that had various aspects of this ensemble. The Omega Males. Portly, multi-hued, cell phone laden, fanny pack wearing men; slowly leading up the rear so the Alpha Males can focus on bigger, better things (I guess we can thank them?)

Just like the Omega Males, there are females in sad states, too. The bigger they are, the louder the clothes. The louder the clothes, the louder the voices, too. I don't get this. I was big once. I focused on vertical stripes or none at all. Blend in. Muted colors or black from head to toe. And, I was quiet.

People needn't be ashamed of their bodies. But, there's quite a difference between having a few to lose while wearing shorts and a t-shirt and proudly parading a huge muffin top and camel toe at a school carnival. The former is living, the latter is... wrong?

Another thing that I noticed on Friday. The larger the women were, the more overtly sexual and suggestive things flew out of their mouths. This was particularly true as the groups got larger. They seemed to feed off of one another and egged each other on and attempting to quietly and "subtley" cat call the men who walked by. Very subtle, ladies.

The thing that struck me most was the endless string of fashion faux pas. Again, it's a beach party. It seems the easier thing to dress for. But, everyone wants to kick it up a notch. Hula skirts, every loud shirt with even one flower, bad shorts, and the endless scratch-slap, scratch-slap, of rubber zorries hitting the ground were about all that I could take.

Thank God for the kids. With all the water around, the kids were staying fashionable in shorts and bathing suits. T-shirts here and there. All in all, pretty tame and pretty fashionable. I can only assume it's because kids grown out of their clothes before the fashion changes. Or, maybe they know better and refuse to leave the house "dressed like that." Who knows? But, maybe they do just know better.

Maybe that's why the kids beg to run off with friends as soon as they get to the party. Not to be alone, but to be away from all all the adult "fashion?" Something to think about as you watch your kids run off with their friends. They are laughing, right? Think about it.

* since The Big Valley, at least. Audra was pretty hot...


  1. Flouncy, flouncy.

    You could've yelled out, "if you ain't got no money, take your broke broke home!". I'm sure your kids would have loved it!

  2. Camel toe and a muffin top ... stop!!! I think I'm going to wet myself!! :D :D :D :D

  3. We usually go to the pool at our health club so there's a different level of body awareness there. Last week we spent time at a public, large waterpark (one of the biggest in the US!) Dh & I were constantly thinking/saying "just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it." I hope I never tried to fool myself when I was larger. I hope.


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